A Spork in the Road

Despite all the evidence of this blog, I am not in fact a person who is normally obsessed with myself. Until I got my passport to Cancerland, I did not even weigh myself regularly. Now I know my weight, my temperature, my blood pressure, my current Complete Blood Count, my Complete Metabolic Panel. Now I get very, very excited about bowel movements.

I’ve also become a person who is totally fine with people sending me stuff on a regular basis. Cancer Swag has revolutionized my attitude towards receiving gifts. It used to be that when someone nosed around about sending me a gift, I felt awkward and tried to get them not to do it. Now I’m like, “Here’s my mailing address, and I suggest UPS 2-day shipping so it gets here faster.” It’s getting so that when I tell strangers I have lymphoma I also hand them a list of books and DVDs I don’t have.

I knew cancer was big money for the medical industry. I didn’t realize Amazon and iTunes made out so well on the deal.

I have a Cancer Lovin’ map in our spare room. It’s a big map of the country where I tape up the return addresses of everyone who has sent Cancer Swag. (Kind notes and cards are also classified as Cancer Swag.) The East Coast is well represented, Kansas is making a good showing, and the West Coast has only one pin but it was Grade A swag, the Cancer Swag equivalent of Humboldt County’s finest, so California is scoring high on quality.

What does NOT qualify as Cancer Swag: religious pamphlets. WTF??? Seriously? Seriously? I have frickin’ cancer and you’re going to send me, a former Orthodox Presbyterian with a black belt in theological ass-kicking, a generic little pamphlet about how to find God when bad things happen? Do you even know me? Do you have the remotest idea of my understanding of God or my reaction to the diagnosis or how I’m coping?

Needless to say, that guy did NOT go on the Cancer Lovin’ map. This guy was a preacher who’s never met me, and I’m going to find out what seminary he went to and call them up and suggest they add a required course: How Not To Be a Buttface to Strangers with Cancer.

Anyway, I am surrounded by Cancer Swag and I am totally loving it. As faithful readers know, my dad sent me a portable DVD player, which is just about the be all end all of Cancer Swag. You’d pretty much have to set me my own personal PET scan machine to beat that. I sat in bed last night watching “Finding Nemo” and thought, it sucks to have cancer but DAMN, I’m watching a DVD on my knees! Cha-CHING!

Supposedly I’ve got Stellar Magpie jewelry and the sacred FUCK CANCER hat on their way, both of which delight me no end, and another book from my mom, and golly, who knows what else.

Cancer: lose your hair, gain a library!